Frequently Asked Questions

ABOUT IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY

1. What is the theory behind Imago Relationship Therapy, IRT?

Here are some highlights of Imago theory, developed by Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., founder of Imago International Institute, with major contributions from his wife, Helen Hunt Hendrix.

2. What does the word Imago mean?

Imago is a Latin word meaning image. It refers to the image we carry around in our unconscious of the people who took care of us in childhood.

3. What does our childhood have to do with our adult love relationships?

Imago theory says that we select unconsciously a partner who has some of those same negative and positive traits (which compose the image) of our primary childhood caretakers because we are trying to get the emotional needs met that were not met in our childhoods. So, unbeknownst to us, we are drawn to partners like our parents.

Because our needs arise from natural impulses toward growth, these impulses do not go away if not satisfied. Instead, we as children put them underground while we adapt to what is presented or not presented to us. We develop a "personality" around these adaptations and unconsciously tell ourselves we do not need what inherently we do need in order to grow up whole and complete with a strong enough sense of self to function fairly well in society. It is in our committed relationships that those needs surface, again.

Therefore, committed relationships are about much more than love. They are about spiritual evolution and psychological growth, about evolving and growing so as to experience ourselves as beings neither dependent or independent of other beings, but rather inter-dependent.

4. What specifically can I expect to learn and gain at an IRT workshop?

In a workshop (and also in individual couples' sessions) you will learn a combination of theory, process tools, and skills that will help you connect with the sources of your pain and frustration - childhood wounds and ways you adapted to them. You will see how to dismantle old communication patterns, and create understanding - to complete your unfinished developmental "agenda."

5. Who are these workshops best suited for?

EVERYONE likes to grow. However, they are best suited for:

• Beginning a new relationship
• Wanting to enrich an already good relationship
• Having difficulties in their relationship
• Wanting to resolve long-standing conflicts
• Undecided about continuing their relationship

6. Will I be expected to share my life experiences with the whole group?

The workshop is not a therapy group or an encounter group. While you are welcome and invited to share with the group to help build a supportive atmosphere, you are not pressured into unwelcome self-disclosure. Emphasis is on private sharing with your partner.

7. What do I do if I really want to attend a workshop but my partner is unwilling?

First, listen to your partner's reasons for not wanting to attend and don't try to change his or her reasons. If she/he is unaware of any problems in the relationship, I suggest you ask her/him if she/he would be willing to attend in order to support you, because you are having problems and want to learn more about yourself and how you react and behave.

8. Why do I seem to keep making the same mistake over and over when seeking a life partner?

I always tell couples that when there is a dysfunction or miscommunication in the relationship, then each person in the couple ship needs to own 50% of it. Both are responsible for the dynamics that are being played out so it is in our best interest to know what our part is. If we don't understand and deal with our part in the dysfunctional part of the relationship, then we will repeat our behavior in the next relationship.

If we don't learn the dynamics of how we choose our partners and become more conscious of how and why we select the partners we do, then we will probably just keep on selecting partners with the same traits, albeit unconsciously, and repeating the mistakes.

9. Our relationship is pretty good, how could we gain from attending a workshop?

If it is truly a good relationship, that is WONDERFUL. Regardless of how good your relationship is, it can always grow and improve. "Pretty good relationships" do exist. However, many couples describe their relationship as "pretty good" or even "good" if there is no overt hostility or conflict. What therapists know is that there may be a certain amount of denial or fear playing out in relationships where the problems are covert or "without conflict". We believe that conflict is inevitable, it's an opportunity. It is not that conflict is bad but how we communicate it that is hurtful.

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