Frequently Asked Questions

What is Codependency?


There are numerous definitions in the literature of Codependency. Here are a few:
 

Codependency is a disease of the lost self. The umbrella definition is one who is addicted to something outside of self; an ingestive addiction, (alcohol, drugs, food, nicotine, or caffeine) or a distractive addiction, (electronics, sex, exercise, shopping, gambling, raging, perfectionism, religion, workaholism, power, status, and relationships. (Olson 1994).   A multidimensional (physical, mental, emotional and spiritual) condition manifested by any suffering and dysfunction that is associated with or due to focusing on the needs and behaviors of others. It may be mild to severe and most people have it. It can mimic, be associated with and aggravate many physical, psychological and spiritual conditions. It develops from turning the responsibility for our life and happiness over to our ego (false self) and to others. It is treatable and recovery is possible. (Whitfield 1990).   Preoccupation and extreme dependence (emotionally, socially and sometimes physically) on a person or object. Eventually, this dependence on another person becomes a pathological condition that affects the codependent in all other relationships. This may include people who (1) are in a love or marriage relationship with an alcoholic; (2) have one or more alcoholic parents or grandparents; or (3) grew up in an emotionally repressive family. It is a primary disease and a disease within every member of an alcoholic family. (Wegscheider-Cruse 1985).   A personality disorder based on: a need to control in the face of serious adverse consequences; neglecting one's own needs; boundary distortions around intimacy and separation; enmeshment with certain dysfunctional people; and other manifestation such as denial, constricted feelings, depression and stress-related medical illness. (Cermak 1986)   Those self-defeating learned behaviors or character defects that result in a diminished capacity to initiate or participate in loving relationships (Larson 1987).   A person who has let someone else's behavior affect him or her, and is obsessed with controlling other people's behavior. (Beattie 1987).   A disease wherein a person has difficulty: (1) experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem; (2) setting functional boundaries; (3) owning and expressing their own reality; (4) taking care of their adult needs and wants; (5) experiencing and expressing their reality moderately. (Mellody 1989).

From this point on Codependency will be addressed strictly as a disease where persons are addicted to other people (i.e.: relationships).

What are the characteristics of this disease?
It is learned and acquired.
It is developmental.
It is outer focused.
It is a disease of lost selfhood.
It has personal boundary distortions.
It is a feeling disorder, manifested especially by emptiness, low self-esteem and shame, fear , anger, confusion and numbness.
It produces relationship difficulties with self and with others.

Would you explain: learned and acquired?
We develop codependency unconsciously and involuntarily. In its primary form, it begins with mistreatment, neglect, or abuse to a vulnerable and innocent child by its environment, especially its family of origin, and later by its culture or society. In contrast to other addictions, codependency does not appear to have a genetic transmission. Rather, it appears to come about by wounding.

Would you explain: developmental disease?
Mistreatment, neglect, or abuse that begins the wounding process interrupts, damages, and blocks healthy human development and growth. These developmental stages involve learning to connect, love, feel, trust, explore, initiate, be autonomous, think, cooperate, master, create, develop morals, skills and values, evaluate, regenerate (heal), evolve and grow, recycle-all crucial for a healthy human life. Blocking these developmental stages paralyzes healthy growth and threatens survival. During the wounding process, when one is in a survival mode, the person focuses on the outside of their self and neglects their inner life. Gradually one becomes more and more distant and eventually becomes alienated from their True Self.

How is a disease of lost self?
There are several names in psychology for the True Self. Some are: Real Self, Child Within, Consciousness, Ego Ideal, Psyche, Mind or Identity-this is who we really are. In Codependency our True Self is lost. Our True Self does not yet know how to handle the pain of living in a neglectful, mistreating, abusing or otherwise dysfunctional environment. Feeling overwhelmed, it goes into hiding. Then our false self or co-dependent self comes in to help us survive and function. This absence, (which is only hiding, not really lost) of the True Self usually brings about a feeling of emptiness, which we may then try to fill with things outside of ourself. But, doing so doesn't fill us in a lasting or fulfilling way. Only after experiencing the repeated pain of the consequences of addictions, compulsions or other disorders-combined with the ongoing feeling of the emptiness-are we often forced to look within, into our True Self.

What is a boundary distortion?
A boundary is a personally initiated and maintained dynamic that protects the well-being and integrity of the True Self. A boundary distortion can be simply stated as "not knowing where I end and you begin." The codependent person has numerous boundary distortions. Two of these address intimacy and separation. A person cannot recover from any disorder, including codependency, without forming healthy boundaries.

How is Codependency a feeling disorder?
In codependency we lose touch with our crucial inner life, which includes our feelings. We become alienated from our feelings. yet they don't disappear. They continue to surface, most commonly as emptiness, low self-esteem and shames, fear, anger, confusion and numbness. In codependency recovery, one learns experientially what these and other feelings are, how to recognize them and how to use them healthily in everyday life.

How does Codependency produce relationship difficulties?
Relationship difficulties are among the most basic problems in codependency. Codependents have difficulty relating and loving their self, therefore it is impossible to love another or a Higher Power. These relationship difficulties are reflected throughout our life and reflected by your core issues.

What are some of a codependents core issues?
Control, Trust, Being real and living in reality, Unable to identify and feel feelings, No feeling modulation or containment or too many frozen feelings, Low or No self-esteem, Dependence, Unable to grieve your ungrieved losses or not processing grief when needed, FEAR OF ABANDONMENT, Shame, All or nothing thinking and behaving, High tolerance for inappropriate behavior and abuse, Over-responsibility for others, Neglects own needs, Difficulty having fun, Difficulty giving and receiving love, and difficulty resolving conflict and problem solving.

Can you recover from Codependency?
Absolutely!! Most persons enter therapy or psychoeducational classes due to relationship problems. Essentials for recovery are:

Handling any distractions to recovery.
Learning to live from our inner life.
Learning about our feelings.
Learning about age regression.
Learning to grieve, and grieving.
Learning to tolerate emotional pain.
Learning to set HEALTHY BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS.
Getting our needs met.
Experientially learning and knowing the difference between our True Self and our false self.
Working through our core issues.
Learning that the core of our being is Love.
Learning to be a co-creator.

My husband and I are both recovering alcoholics; do you help recovering alcoholics and recovering drug addicts?
Yes. I helped many find beautiful healthy relationships. Sometimes it's repairing and strengthening the marriage they are in and often it is helping the individual heal before seeking a new relationship. However, I don't treat recovering alcoholics, drug addicts or sex addicts until after they have one year clean or sober.

Is there are 12 Step program to help with Codependency Issues?
Yes, the program is called CODA. It is anonymous and the only requirement for membership is the desire to have healthy relationships.

Is there a CODA meeting in Sarasota?
Yes. It meets every Monday evening at St. Paul's Lutheran Church at 2256 Bahia Vista in the library from 7:30p.m. to 9:00p.m. 

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